Dear (Five Minute Friday)

I didn't finish my 31 days of writing. I might get back there. And I am a few Five Minute Fridays behind. I may or may not get back there.

But there's no time like NOW to get back on the wagon. I saw the word this week and it hit close to home. So I will write on.

Join us? Here's the link to "how it works" and at the end of my post is the link for this week.

DEAR

I'm a letter writer. A pen and paper girl. And for a very long time, I saved EVERY letter I got in the mail. Ever. Cards and notes and affections scrawled by friends of long ago. You would think I'd be a better emailer and keep in touch-er because of my draw toward letters, but I am lousy at real-time keep in touching. I stioll love a good piece of paper and a pen to send a note, though. And there's a few folks from my long ago writing days with whom I am still really close, albeit slow about my notes.

Last weekend I was cleaning out some more boxes from the move. (Yes, I know it has been a year since we moved, but at least I am still giving thought to this!) And I found the collection of letters and cards from my ex. The "dear Jen ... " From when we first met - and from before we met in person. And the cards and notes I had saved through all the years of our marriage. Including ones from the last few years.

I'd originally had in mind to save them for the girls to read someday. So, I;ve been moving them each time we moved, including the last 2 times when I moved without him, since he's no longer living with us. And as I pulled out that box, I took the time to really read the letters this time. Including those last ones. And I made a bold decision. They are filled with a lot of lies. Stuff the girls never need to see. I put the box aside and gave it some more long, hard thought. And I came to a decision. I shredded the whole pile. Every last word. Every card.

There was no way for me to continue to carry the lies and dead weight with me. I felt relieved once the shredding was done.

What about the early years? The letters that were "real"? Well, the stuff in there, based on the actions of the later years ... I don't know about that either. So it was better to get rid of it all than to engage in endless mind wars with myself.

My girls have the opportunity to know and love their dad as he is, and don't need to see the transition from who he was through the period of terrible to who he is now. They can form their own opinions and their own relationship, and don't need to see the spiral of hurt from this other perspective.

They are smart girls and they will ask the right questions when their hearts are ready to know. And then I can share an honest, but full of grace, perspective of how we got from those days to where we are now. But no collection of lies, mistruths, truth and clouds of letters needs to be sorted through to do that. So I shredded and today my heart is a little lighter.

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