Forgiveness

I saw an article today about how Bryce Harper has forgiven Jonathan Papelbon for "the incident", but questioning if the fans have done the same.

I've been wrestling with this for months. Having a player choke another player on the same team (or anyone really ...) is TERRIBLE. Inappropriate, unprofessional, assault ... call it what you want, it's just lousy. The player who was choked said they worked it out and it's ok moving forward. But ... the incident happened in the dugout. And was caught on TV. Not excellent. The fans were in an uproar. Myself included. After all, if I choked someone at work because I was annoyed with something they did, or did not, do, I would be fired in a hot jiffy.  And I was mad the Nationals didn't do the same.

He was suspended (rightly so, in my opinion), and he already had a reputation for being a jerk. There were public incidents towards fans when Papelbon played for the Philadelphia Phillies and whatnot. I was not excited when he came to DC, but I tried hard to give him a clean slate, let him prove that he wasn't the jerk the media made him out to be. And then he confirmed my worst fears when this happened.

Now I had a player on the team - the team my girls and I love - who was a bad example. I know we can't expect people to be perfect. And we can't place athletes on a higher pedestal, because they are just people, after all. So, we had quite a few conversations - my little girls and I.

They included things like "mama, why would Pap hurt Bryce? Is he OK?"

to which I responded "Yes, he is OK, and it is never right to touch someone when you are mad at them."  

Kiddo reply: "Oh, mama, you mean like when we [sisters] fight – how we should use words, not hands?"

Right.  That.  And then later, when Pap made his apology to Bryce (and the article that came from there) ...

"Mama, that was good that Bryce forgave him. Should we do that?"

And I responded that we need to try. That Bryce was setting a good example by forgiving and moving on to the new season. But I didn't try really hard.

And a few weeks later, one asked me "Mom, why is Pap still on our team? He was so mean. Can't we trade him or something? Why are the other guys gone ... like Jordan (Zimmermann) and Desi (Ian Desmond) and Craig (Stammen) but the meany guy is here?"

Setting aside the nuances of free agency and also not the same position / same role ... I didn't have a good answer for that. Frankly I wanted him traded and I didn't care what we had to do in order to make that happen because I was steamed.

Flaming mad, actually, because of this quote "My mistake was doing that in the dugout in front of a camera," (whole article)

But today, I saw the new post. And someone asked "if the players have, why can't the fans?"  And my immediate reaction was that Pap had never apologized to the fans.  Yes, he apologized to Bryce ... but we ALL saw it. The fans in the ballpark; everyone watching on TV; and later everyone with internet access or ESPN or anything ...the clip was everywhere. Choke-holding the MVP doesn't really get by under the radar when it's caught on camera.

Then someone asked if the fans deserved an apology. I don't know that we do. But the quote from above ...  "My mistake was doing that in the dugout in front of a camera" …THAT made me mad. You should be sorry you DID it. Not just sorry that everyone saw it. Not just sorry that it happened on TV. To me, the where was not important, the WHAT is what mattered.

And then I was reminded of my real life. The one outside of baseball. Where I learned that forgiveness is not for the offender ... it is for the one who was wronged. My ex-husband had an affair. I found out. Eventually I told him that I knew. And he told me he was sorry that I found out. To this day, he has not apologized for his actions - for the hurt it caused, for the eventual consequences that we are all still living with. He just said he was sorry that I found out.

We've worked through it; he's moved on - new wife, new family. He's great with my girls and they all love my kiddos a lot. And for a long, long time I wrestled with forgiving him. How could he do that to me? To our kids? To our family? And then eventually I did some soul searching. What was I gaining from still holding a grudge? From still being angry? Nothing, really. I finally reached the conclusion that forgiveness does NOT mean the same thing as forgetting. And it does NOT mean the same thing as condoning the behavior.  It just means that my heart could stop reliving the anger and the frustration every single minute of the day. I could stop spending so much time thinking about someone who was so hurtful. I could start to heal.

And then I was able to forgive him. I still have some hurt feelings. I still wonder why he did it. I will never condone the behavior because it's cruel and wrong and I have seen first hand what it did to me and the decisions we have to make with our kids every day. BUT.  I was able to let it go ... even though he never told me he was sorry. Move on. Start a new chapter. Function on my own and not be torn up about it all the time.

My kids ask about their dad and why he doesn't live with us any more.  "Dad made some choices and now our family looks different, but we both still love you with our whole hearts. When you are ready to talk about it more, you can ask daddy."  And we move on, and that works for them. The example is there. The behavior is there. And hopefully we've all grown enough now that the experience helps us make better decisions in the future.

And so, I reflect on that. If I can forgive him ... he who said to me "I am sorry you found out" ... for that personal hurt, then why can't I extend the same forgiveness to a ball player I've never met? Yes, he's on my team. Yes, I disagree with his actions. Yes, I think it stinks that he's apparently (to us) only sorry that we saw it happen.

But. ... the team is ready to move on. So, too, should I.

So, Jonathan ... here I am. Ready to put it behind me. I hope that you choose to act in a way that's better in the future - I would much rather you be an example to my kids this year of "I did wrong but now I am doing right" than to repeat the same mistakes of the past. But, that's for you, not for me.

Forgiven.

Let's play ball!