Forgiveness

I saw an article today about how Bryce Harper has forgiven Jonathan Papelbon for "the incident", but questioning if the fans have done the same.

I've been wrestling with this for months. Having a player choke another player on the same team (or anyone really ...) is TERRIBLE. Inappropriate, unprofessional, assault ... call it what you want, it's just lousy. The player who was choked said they worked it out and it's ok moving forward. But ... the incident happened in the dugout. And was caught on TV. Not excellent. The fans were in an uproar. Myself included. After all, if I choked someone at work because I was annoyed with something they did, or did not, do, I would be fired in a hot jiffy.  And I was mad the Nationals didn't do the same.

He was suspended (rightly so, in my opinion), and he already had a reputation for being a jerk. There were public incidents towards fans when Papelbon played for the Philadelphia Phillies and whatnot. I was not excited when he came to DC, but I tried hard to give him a clean slate, let him prove that he wasn't the jerk the media made him out to be. And then he confirmed my worst fears when this happened.

Now I had a player on the team - the team my girls and I love - who was a bad example. I know we can't expect people to be perfect. And we can't place athletes on a higher pedestal, because they are just people, after all. So, we had quite a few conversations - my little girls and I.

They included things like "mama, why would Pap hurt Bryce? Is he OK?"

to which I responded "Yes, he is OK, and it is never right to touch someone when you are mad at them."  

Kiddo reply: "Oh, mama, you mean like when we [sisters] fight – how we should use words, not hands?"

Right.  That.  And then later, when Pap made his apology to Bryce (and the article that came from there) ...

"Mama, that was good that Bryce forgave him. Should we do that?"

And I responded that we need to try. That Bryce was setting a good example by forgiving and moving on to the new season. But I didn't try really hard.

And a few weeks later, one asked me "Mom, why is Pap still on our team? He was so mean. Can't we trade him or something? Why are the other guys gone ... like Jordan (Zimmermann) and Desi (Ian Desmond) and Craig (Stammen) but the meany guy is here?"

Setting aside the nuances of free agency and also not the same position / same role ... I didn't have a good answer for that. Frankly I wanted him traded and I didn't care what we had to do in order to make that happen because I was steamed.

Flaming mad, actually, because of this quote "My mistake was doing that in the dugout in front of a camera," (whole article)

But today, I saw the new post. And someone asked "if the players have, why can't the fans?"  And my immediate reaction was that Pap had never apologized to the fans.  Yes, he apologized to Bryce ... but we ALL saw it. The fans in the ballpark; everyone watching on TV; and later everyone with internet access or ESPN or anything ...the clip was everywhere. Choke-holding the MVP doesn't really get by under the radar when it's caught on camera.

Then someone asked if the fans deserved an apology. I don't know that we do. But the quote from above ...  "My mistake was doing that in the dugout in front of a camera" …THAT made me mad. You should be sorry you DID it. Not just sorry that everyone saw it. Not just sorry that it happened on TV. To me, the where was not important, the WHAT is what mattered.

And then I was reminded of my real life. The one outside of baseball. Where I learned that forgiveness is not for the offender ... it is for the one who was wronged. My ex-husband had an affair. I found out. Eventually I told him that I knew. And he told me he was sorry that I found out. To this day, he has not apologized for his actions - for the hurt it caused, for the eventual consequences that we are all still living with. He just said he was sorry that I found out.

We've worked through it; he's moved on - new wife, new family. He's great with my girls and they all love my kiddos a lot. And for a long, long time I wrestled with forgiving him. How could he do that to me? To our kids? To our family? And then eventually I did some soul searching. What was I gaining from still holding a grudge? From still being angry? Nothing, really. I finally reached the conclusion that forgiveness does NOT mean the same thing as forgetting. And it does NOT mean the same thing as condoning the behavior.  It just means that my heart could stop reliving the anger and the frustration every single minute of the day. I could stop spending so much time thinking about someone who was so hurtful. I could start to heal.

And then I was able to forgive him. I still have some hurt feelings. I still wonder why he did it. I will never condone the behavior because it's cruel and wrong and I have seen first hand what it did to me and the decisions we have to make with our kids every day. BUT.  I was able to let it go ... even though he never told me he was sorry. Move on. Start a new chapter. Function on my own and not be torn up about it all the time.

My kids ask about their dad and why he doesn't live with us any more.  "Dad made some choices and now our family looks different, but we both still love you with our whole hearts. When you are ready to talk about it more, you can ask daddy."  And we move on, and that works for them. The example is there. The behavior is there. And hopefully we've all grown enough now that the experience helps us make better decisions in the future.

And so, I reflect on that. If I can forgive him ... he who said to me "I am sorry you found out" ... for that personal hurt, then why can't I extend the same forgiveness to a ball player I've never met? Yes, he's on my team. Yes, I disagree with his actions. Yes, I think it stinks that he's apparently (to us) only sorry that we saw it happen.

But. ... the team is ready to move on. So, too, should I.

So, Jonathan ... here I am. Ready to put it behind me. I hope that you choose to act in a way that's better in the future - I would much rather you be an example to my kids this year of "I did wrong but now I am doing right" than to repeat the same mistakes of the past. But, that's for you, not for me.

Forgiven.

Let's play ball!

Present (Five Minute Friday)

It's been nearly a month. I have missed writing. I have had a few Thursdays of crazy, however, every day hasn't been crazy ... so I could have made time. I didn't. Shrug. It happens.

Anyway, I will squeak in just under the deadline here, with last week's post on PRESENT.

(For a refresher, the rules of FMF are
1. Write on the word of the week: 5 minutes, no editing, typos allowed and encouraged
2. Link with the rest of the FMF community over at Kate's place
3. Visit and comment on the post of the one who linked before you. (and if you are an on time poster ... ha, not my strong point, consider coming back later in the week to love on the ones who post late. like me).


PRESENT

Go.
Last week we got hit with a monster snowstorm. Blizzard. Call it whatever you want. We've been in a mess for 6 days now. It started Friday at noon and didn't stop snowing until Saturday after I went to bed. 35 inches later (no, that is not a typo), the big dig out began. School is out. Until next Monday. (my brain cells are diminishing by the day ... we finally managed to get out of the neighborhood today. For the first time in a week).

neighbor 1 and his little playing on our path

In the midst of the storm ... I received 3 lovely presents. The first: a gift from my neighbor on the right. I shoveled before I went to bed Friday, but then while I slept the wind howled and the snow piled up. By Saturday morning, my front door was snowed in. With the storm door, I never would have been able to get out. He graciously came out and while clearing his sidewalk and steps, he came all the way to mine and dug me out. I am so thankful for the time he spent to make sure I could get out safely.

The second: more time from that neighbor AND time from the neighbor 3 doors down. Our townhouses have a yard behind them, and then a garage behind that. The garage door (the car entrance side) opens on to an alley. An alley which didn't get plowed until Tuesday at 10pm. Remember the 35 inches of snow I mentioned?  My wonderful sweet neighbors (after shoveling their own garages out) joined me Sunday afternoon and helped me clear mine. Shoveled right down to the pavement (WOOT!).  That was A LOT of snow to move, but with their help we managed it in just a couple of hours.

The third: my neighbor on the left. He recently had cataract surgery. We all took turns shoveling out his steps and sidewalk since he could not. He came over Monday  afternoon when the roads finally had *a little* progress and asked if we needed anything. What a blessing for him to return with a gallon of milk for us. Could we have survived a few more days without any more milk? Sure. But did it make it a million times easier to have some? Absolutely.

So ... in the midst of the crazy ... I am thankful for the present of wonderful neighbors. Folks who band together and help each other out. Kindness goes a long way.

Stop.

(Photos from the crazy).

not the final measurement. GOOD GRIEF

streets were untouched for days

the picket fence down the block (Saturday night)

my garage Sunday (before)

neighbor  2 helping

the garage AFTER (neighbor 1 and both his littles)

the pharmacy parking lot . we walked and then climbed it 

we also built snowmen. Life sized for all of us.

and we made a dugout with the help of another neighbor

and played snow baseball. because ... 21 days until pitchers and catchers, my friends!

WAIT (a year in review)

This is the 4^th year I’ve chosen the path of OneWord365 instead of New Year’s resolutions. One word to focus on throughout the year.

If you know me at all, you know I am a planner. (Some might say an over planner). I do it all day every day for my job and I also find that it makes my household run somewhat smoother. The kids like having a schedule. And I like having one, too. There’s something to be said for knowing what is coming. Yes, spontaneity is fun and there’s a time and place for it, but it’s not my preference. (ok, I admit it. Surprises are fun but totally unplanned events / happenings make me VERY, VERY nervous.)

Waiting doesn’t have to equate to not planning, but I interpreted it that way, purposely. I tried not to plan everything as soon as an idea popped into my head.  I tried to let ideas simmer more and to weigh them as options in their high level form before getting mired in the details of potential execution. It was hard.

As I look forward to 2016 I see a lot of changes on the horizon for us. Honestly, I saw them coming earlier this year – wanted some of them to happen sooner – but couldn’t see a path for how to get them rolling. So I waited. Hoped. Anticipated. Tried to put them out of my mind, instead of planning a way to make them get here.

Lots of late night discussions with some very important people and many, many hours spent praying for a path or direction, still nothing. Just waiting. I could see the destination and could not see the path. Not even the first step. Wait. Wait. Wait.

I didn’t like it at all. I spent many a night fretting and many a night in tears with my frustration. However, as the year came to a close, a lot of other things have changed. Circumstances beyond my control and things completely unexpected have all set in motion. The path I could not even imagine less than 6 months ago is emerging right before my eyes. Decisions I thought would be hard won’t even have to be made because other people have made some choices and set the stones into place. Now all I have to do is follow the path, one step at a time.

My usual method of plan and execute was put to the test with a mission to wait and see. The waiting yielded the direction and also the confirmation I needed that these are the next right steps for us.

And so 2015 comes to a close, the waiting nearly complete. Timing of life with kids is such that there is a little more waiting to be done, but now there is a healthy, refreshing dose of planning to go with it. And as the start of 2016 stands before us tonight, the year of PURSUE begins.

 

**You can read more about the One Word 365 Community here**

 

Surprise!

I'm from a small town in New Jersey. (note this is not really a SMALL TOWN as some others would describe their towns. But felt small to me. Everyone knew each other mostly and that was good). In High School I joined the marching band and met a girl. She and I hit it off right away and became fast friends. Best friends. She was a senior and I was a freshman. She was as much as big sister as she was a friend. We made lots of fun memories for the whole year. And the summer after. And then she went away to college. Not very far, but I could not drive and she didn't come home every weekend (which was good. because you're supposed to go away and find yourself or something).

So, because this was back in the dark ages of no cell phones and long distance phone bills and NO EMAIL (heavens this makes me sound old.) ...we wrote. Long, long letters and some short ones. Cards and pictures and more letters. Some weeks we wrote every day and some weeks we skipped but there were shoe boxes full of letters before we were done.

And there was the ball. The friendship ball. It was a silver ball, about the size of one of those Christmas balls you can buy in the shiny colors. It was hinged, and had a reddish tassel on it. (I didn't remember the tassel at first.).  I had read a story somewhere, or maybe my friend had.  In one of those Chicken Soup for the Soul books. You know, the ones that make you laugh, and weep? The feel good and sometimes heartbreaking ones? Yeah. Those.

So, the idea with the ball is that one friend would tuck a surprise into it, and mail it to the other one. And then eventually the recipient would find a something and send it back to the first. We passed that ball back and forth a lot. Little candies and some notes and pins and I forget what all went in there. Not with every letter, but just sometimes. Sometimes for Christmas, and sometimes for birthdays. And sometimes just because. That ball went back and forth for years.

Eventually I went away to college, too. Farther than where she had gone. And then she got a job in a small town in Delaware, which was still closer to home than I was, but not really home. And then as things go, I met a boy. I got married. She was my maid of honor. I've never been happier to have her standing beside me. I moved away, because that is what an Army wife does.  We wrote, but less often now, as life got in the way. My fault, really ... I let things slide. The ball ... well that stopped showing up eventually, but we still wrote. A few times a year plus Christmas cards.

Email existed by then... but somehow with us, email just didn't work. It didn't feel the same. Years and years of pen on paper felt stale to me when seen on a screen. I labored over those letters and the time spent writing with a pen ... finding just the right card to say I miss you or whatnot ... that meant more to me than typing.  So the letters were fewer, but the Christmas cards still happened. Then she met a boy. He's a gem.  And she got married. I was delighted to be in her wedding. That was a fun day. A fun weekend. Every time we got together, it was like we were never apart, though we saw each other so seldom those years. That weekend was hot and sticky and we stayed up oh-so-late icing the wedding cake together. and laughing until we cried. That's my favorite part - how we laughed so hard together. EVERY SINGLE TIME WE WERE TOGETHER.

The wedding was lovely and the groom - that guy is so very good to her, and for her and I am glad to call him a part of the family. I moved closer - but not really close enough to visit and life was still in the way. I had a couple of kids. And life was busy. My marriage fell apart... eventually I wrote to tell her what was happening but it was hard. Sharing makes it real and I didn't want to admit it was real for a very long time.

She and her husband became foster parents. And then there were so many kids - so many wonderful kids. He's on facebook (hello facebook, thank you for the connection) so now I could see pictures of all those sweet girls.  And I wrote once in a while, and she did too. But still not as often as I would have wanted. And the phone - we just didn't call. By now we certainly could, but we didn't. The letters held me together all those years.

And then one Christmas when I didn't have my girls, I stopped to say hello. We visited for the first time since her wedding I think. I hugged those kids and hugged her neck and we cried. and laughed. We had a great visit and I promised to stop again soon. But life.  So I did not.

And then she had one of those milestone birthdays.  (The one I will have next year). And her husband threw her a surprise party. He invited me and I went. WOO WOO! Drove up. Couldn't stay as long as I wanted, but got to go and hug her neck and meet the next crowd of darling little girls. And we visited. Chatted. Caught up. Felt like no time had passed even though it had been way too many years. And then I headed home. With promises that we would keep in touch better. Except we didn't.  Christmas cards were about all we managed. A note in the cards, but that's all.

And then a few weeks ago I was out. And I saw this card. I was shopping for something else but I saw the card and I thought of her and I missed her hard. My heart hurt with how much I missed her. So I bought the card. I wrote a note. Stuck it in the mail before life  got in the way again.

And then today.  Today I found a shoe box on my doorstep. Mailed from her house. And inside it was a letter like the old days. 4 long front and back pages. I had asked her to tell me all about her 4 darling girls. And she obliged. And now I know them a teensy bit better.  Now when I see the photos on the facebook page I can imagine what it took to get them ... how they would have assembled themselves or why #3 would be doing something so very different in the same picture when the rest of them are all focused on one thing. I read the letter twice. And then I realized it had come in a shoe box. Hello. a letter fits in an envelope. Why the box?

There was tissue paper and newspaper crumpled up in it. I pulled the first few pieces out, smoothing them to make sure there wasn't some point I was missing with the paper patterns. And then it hit me like a flash. The long forgotten friendship ball. IT WAS IN THE BOX.  I dug it out. And I cried. Happy tears with lots of memories.  My 10 year old was watching me ... "mom, what IS that?" So I told her the story of how we passed it back and forth over the years.  How long, mom?  I stopped to think... We've been passing that ball back and forth since roughly 1991. So 24 plus years that ball has been moved.  It's been dormant a LOT of years.  But tonight all the memories poured right out and filled my heart up.  And when we opened it, inside were 3 beautiful bead necklaces.  That her girls had carefully made - one for each of us. My 7 year old asked about keeping the ball - and we filled her in on the story.  Oh, mom! Then we must send it back!!

And tonight my girls drifted off to sleep dreaming of treasures for us to send to the 4 little girls in her house. Daughters of their mama's best friend.  The ball is now tarnished and worn ... the tassel is thinner than I remember it.  Faded but not whitewashed.  Ours is a friendship that has faltered ... but not failed. And tonight- is a little bit stronger than yesterday.

the friendship ball

necklaces for all of us

When Words Might Not Be Enough ...

Where do you start to write the goodbye that you don't ever want to say but you fear is standing right in front of your face? How do you begin to say thank you for someone who does so much?

I don't really know. And my words aren't likely to be eloquent or brilliant like so many others are. But I've got to say it. I've got to get something out before I can't even speak.


Dear Ian,

We've watched you grow up before our eyes. You've gone from being just a short stop to being the heart of our team. You've made DC a priority and you've made people a priority. We love watching you play. How you give your all every single time you take the field. How you play every single day. When the team is doing great you support them. When they're struggling you carry them. There is not ever a day I've watched you play and thought that perhaps you could have done more. You never hold back. You never shy away from telling people like it is, or from owning the struggle when it's yours. You talk to the media, face down the hard times and set an example for everyone. You allow others to shine. You make people feel welcome. You embrace the new guys and sing their praises. Even when it might be the very player who eventually takes your place on the field. There aren't many men who do that.

It's a joy to watch you play and to know that when my girls look up to you, they see someone who does it right. Who always takes the high road and who puts the team first. That's a legacy of which you can be proud.

But for us... For me... It's more than just baseball. I'm so honored to have had the chance to work with you. To stand alongside you and make a difference for people beyond baseball. The work you've done at the Nationals Youth baseball academy is tremendous. The kids in DC love spending time with you. Thank you for giving so much of your time to be in the community. Thank you for making these kids feel at home, safe, welcome, and for encouraging them. They notice. You've changed lives.

Closer to home for me: thank you for the gift of hope. You used your time, your resources, and your name to make a difference for those fighting the battle of a life with NF. The campaign last May raised so much money.... And it spread the word. We can't fight what we don't know exists. There are good people doing good work to find a cure and the #EndNF campaign that you started here is helping with that. Not only the money and the time last year though... The event you hosted on the field in Atlanta. Thank you for letting those kids come down, hang out, take in BP and meet you. Thank you for taking time out of your day and your routine to spend some time with them. Thank you for providing passes and access and for being genuine with them. For asking about their circumstances. For sharing a moment with each of them.

And thank you for giving me the gift of a friendship with Ethan, Jan, and Rick. I may never have met them, except for the #EndNF campaign last year, and today I don't know where I'd be without them. Ethan challenges me to think differently, and he's the bravest young man I know. I am blessed to know and love him. You made that possible.

As I watch what may be your last game wearing the uniform of the team I love, please know that wherever the Lord leads you next, you'll always be loved here in Washington. We are proud to have had you as a leader on this team. I'm a better person and a better servant in the community because of you. Thank you for everything, both on and off the field. My kids and I wish you, Chelsey, and the boys the best of luck and much success always. You're in our hearts forever.

With love from Natstown,
Jen
@vandygirl1998

Learn (Five Minute Friday)

The end of this summer marks the completion of 6 full years of walking the single parent road. The separation / divorce I didn’t ask for is now just a part of my life. Last week I had the opportunity to learn just how far I’ve come in that time. 

It used to hurt when people asked what happened. I dreaded being asked “where is your husband?” I cringed when someone asked the girls why their daddy wasn’t with us. But slowly the pain has faded. I no longer fear being asked. 

And this was made evident last week. A friend’s daughter asked, as kids often do, “where are S&A?” when I was at an event alone. I replied “they’re with their dad today and I get to pick them up tonight.” She responded “Oh.” Then she was quiet a minute. Then she asked “Wait. Are they all at your house waiting for you?”  I continued: “No, they’re at their dad’s house. They come back to my house tonight.” And then she asked “Does their dad not live with you?”  me: “no, he lives with their stepmom and little brother.” Her: “Wait. They have a brother and he is not your baby?” Me: “Correct.”  Her: “What, does their dad not like you anymore?”  (Her dad interjects here to try and get her to stop with all the questions.  I said it was ok to continue)  Me: “yeah, I think he didn’t like me too much any more”.  Her: “that’s dumb.  You and S & A are fun.” <end conversation>

A few years ago – not too many years ago , in fact – this would have upset me a lot. I could have probably held it together and managed to sneak away before bursting into tears. In the first few years, I would not have even made it through half of that exchange before I would have excused myself. But last week? It was OK. Kids just ask what they are thinking and wondering, and just call it like they see it. They don’t intend to hurt, usually. And I was pleasantly surprised to learn that I wasn’t phased by the conversation at all. Sure, it’s still a little pang, as the circumstances by which my ex “decided he didn’t like me anymore” are rather lousy. But, gone are the days of this making me an emotional train wreck. So, thanks my little friend, for showing me that it really is ok to talk about it – all of it – and that my heart is back in one piece.

Posting as a part of Five Minute Friday. You can read the posts on the prompt “Learn” here at Kate’s place. (I am a week late so the link up isn’t open). The link up for this week coming soon J

Fulfilled (a book review)

I had the opportunity to get a sneak peek at Danise Jurado’s book Fulfilled: Learning to Live the Life God Promised. It releases next week, on the 25^th, but I’ve had a chance to read it – and thanks to Danise’s generosity, I have a signed copy to give away to one lucky reader as well.  Details on how to win (and details on another giveaway) at the bottom.

Fulfilled is a balanced mix of personal stories and practical advice for how to live life to the full potential given you. I expected this to be a lofty, idealistic book – something teeming with clichés and generalizations. Instead it is hands-on. It is detailed and specific. Danise shares details and hardships – the times when things were at their worst – and how she, with God’s help, overcame all those situations. How she took the knowledge she has of God and His power, what she reads in His Word, and what she has learned from prior experience – and turned it into useful advice. It has targeted activities with real life examples from Danise’s own journey, but shows the reader how to apply in their own life. 

The chapters take you through a logical progression – from the most basic need of salvation and a relationship with God, through the hard choices of forgiveness and restoration, and forward on the challenging but rewarding journey of hope, joy and courage.  The chapter on family was particularly insightful for me. Danise’s parents divorced when she was young and it discusses how to piece a new family together – something very much needed in my own walk. She writes “I learned at a very young age that, when you are willing to open your heart and accept others, anyone can become your family.” This encouraged my heart – that walking the path as a single mom now need not define how our family is constructed. My identity is not found only in a broken family, but now also in a whole, yet different family.  Later on, this is summarized: “Our value as people doesn’t change just because our roles or responsibilities have changed.”

In the later chapters, Danise moves on to the harder aspects of growing in faith and fulfillment: finding your courage and confidence. Sometimes it is easy to get stuck in the existence of every day. It is a simple choice to give up, especially in the face of a challenge. But Danise reminds the reader that these journeys and struggles aren’t unique. They aren’t one-time isolated events. Every hurdle you overcome is a stepping stone to the next challenge set before you. “Confidence that has been built with the wisdom of preparation can only truly succeed if its foundation is faith in God, who is always bigger than the unexpected.”  You can train, practice, study, or however you look at it. But even the most prepared individual in any situation can face something unexpected with the task at hand. Knowing that God can bridge those gaps brings confidence to attempt them anyway, rather than to turn tail and run. 

These are only a few of the valuable points made within the pages of Fulfilled. It’s an easy read from the perspective of being written in down to earth language, with real life examples. Yet at the same time, it is a challenge – lots of step-by-step in the earlier sections that are meant to mull on and pray over. Practical applications that when complete allow the later chapters to have more influence on daily choices.

You can purchase a copy of Fulfilled on Amazon. 50% of the proceeds benefit the Dream Center.  And you can enter to win a signed copy by leaving a comment below. Entry closes on August 27 at midnight Eastern Time. Winner will be selected at random from all entries received.

**Note** in addition to your comment for the entry, please send me an email so that I have a way to contact you if you are the winner. I can't make the comment form mask your email and I don't want you to have to list it. Thanks** 

In addition, Danise has a $100 giveaway that is open until September 25, with unlimited entries.

Thanks, Danise, for the opportunity to read your book and to pass it along to someone else.